Last fall I chopped all my long hair off for a sassy new do. At first Elizabeth was devastated. I wasn’t her twin anymore! The next morning she apologized for her reaction and told me how much she loved my hair cut.

Recently she informed me that she loved my hair cut so much that she wanted to follow in my footsteps, chop it all off and become twins again. Fortunately I talked her out of it and convinced her to go with the braided look instead. We’ve been braiding her hair religiously every morning. This morning was no exception, however, as I was finishing up the second pigtail Elizabeth made an announcement.

“Mommy, I want bangs like yours.”

Hmm… I’ll consider it.

We finished getting ready for the day and rushed out the door a short time later.

Driving down our street, Elizabeth’s mind was still on bangs.

“Hey mom, you know what?”

“What?”

“Those houses have icicles on them. They look like bangs for houses!”

I might have to give in to this girls demand for bangs…

You would never guess it by my appearance. You can’t see my inability to control my body. I look like the average working mom if you walk by my cell phone kiosk.

I’m anorexic though.

I stopped eating in high school, was diagnosed in college, and continue to struggle on a daily basis.

Lately it’s gotten worse. I’ve gotten better at eating something every day, but what I didn’t take into account was what I was eating. A friend called them “empty calories”. When he figured it up for me (I’m no good at counting calories), he came to the astonishing number if 700-900 calories a day. Apparently this number is ridiculously low, even for someone in a diet.

So I started focusing more. Eating fulfilling meals, hitting 1000+ calories a day. I felt good for a couple days, shaking was down to a minimum, black outs were almost gone, I was feeling a surge of energy that I haven’t felt in forever.

The feeling didn’t last. Despite the changes, within a few days the shaking was back, black outs were happening consistently again and I no longer felt like myself.

I called the doctor, went in and had a full physical. Test results are still pending, but his response to my symptoms were more than likely “severe dehydration, anemia, and poor nutrition”. He recommended I go see a nutritionist, try eating six small meals a day, and start drinking gatorade and/or vitamin water. Test results would take about a week to get in.

I’ve tried eating more (not very successfully though), drinking vitamin water to rehydrate, and yet nothing is changing. In fact I’m feeling worse.

I’ve decided that the worse feeling in the world is not understanding what is happening within your own body. Is something seriously wrong with me? If not now, will something horrible happen in the future? How do I stop this feeling? Will I ever feel healthy again or have I completely devastated myself?

I grew up in south eastern Colorado, a small town where kids rode their bikes everywhere, neighbors knew your name, the majority of the population attended high school football games Saturday night and church Sunday morning and we had one proclaimed gay couple in the community. Continue reading →

Preoccupied. That’s what I am this week. Lots of thoughts and events cluttering up my mind.

These are things my precocious four year old does not understand. I suppose I might have brought this on myself when I released the words “big day” last night when I got home from work. Continue reading →

Have you ever noticed how hard it is to remember negative things about a past relationship? Especially if there were only a few things wrong, no matter how significant. It’s almost like the brain has this intense desire to be involved with someone so it tricks you into thinking that a relationship is a good idea.

My brain is trying to trick me. And I don’t like it. How am I going to fight this urge? I’m thinking avoidance might be the best strategy… If I don’t respond to the advances of my ex, maybe I can avoid making a decision I know I’m incapable of making.

He wakes up at approximately 7:30 am, walks downstairs to make sure Gramma is at her desk working, walks back upstairs and gently touches my cheek.

“Ma” he exclaims. Continue reading →

“Mom, did you know there are bones at the museum?”

“Yup, dinosaur bones right?”

“Yes, dinosaur bones. Where do bones come from mom?” Continue reading →