Parental Objectives – Who is more important, me or my child?
About a month ago the world sat gripped in terror as we watched a homemade weather balloon streak across the Colorado plains supposedly holding a nine-year-old little boy. Upon its descent we discovered the boy was not inside and once again, my insides wrenched as they discussed the possibility that the boy might have fallen out at some point during his flight. During the chase and the following search after the balloon landed I sat on the edge of my chair, praying the boy was ok, tears pouring from my eyes as I wondered what the parents were going through. My ex-husband had come over to visit our daughter that afternoon and throughout the entire ordeal he repeatedly came into my living room laughing about my ‘overly emotional reaction’ for this little boy and his family. Later that week it was discovered that the boy had never really been missing, in fact it was a hoax designed to make the family appear more marketable for a reality series on television.
Within the week I read a very intense column in The Denver Post by a columnist that expressed a discouraged opinion toward parents out there that put themselves before their children on a daily basis. Since reading that article I have thought deeply about my ex-husband and his role as a parent.
From the beginning he treated our daughter as a tool that would make him look like the best husband and father in the world. Before I left him I couldn’t understand how he could push and hit me behind closed doors and then treat me like a queen in front of his friends and family. Having grown up in that same environment I should have seen who he really was.
Since my daughter arrived, I have seen him use the same behavior. The abuse is still there, but instead of me and my daughter being the victims, it is his own mother that is suffering. For almost two months now I have heard her express a deep regret for continuing to tolerate his actions. The ironic part of it all is that he is now treating me like one of his friends he wants to impress. In the same span of time that his mother has been calling me to relieve the amount of stress she is struggling with, he has done everything in his power to prove that he and his mother are closer than ever.
The sad part of it all is that while he continues to promote himself to me, the woman that left him, he has abandoned his role as a father. My daughter’s obvious dislike of the kind of person he is has had a significant influence on his departure from the parental role.
So what is it that makes men (and sometimes women) put themselves before their children? As unfortunate as it is, I believe some aspects of society have made a clear effort to place oneself above all others. Parents that were forced to give up certain privileges to their siblings grew up with the absolution that they would never make their child do the same. This led us into an era of children that were given whatever they wanted out of a fear from the parents that their child would hate them. Now these children are becoming parents themselves while still believing themselves to be higher than others and it is having a huge impact on society. Aside from my ex-husband, I can think of family members that have the same opinion “I am more important that my child(ren)”, and once again this cycle starts over and within twenty years, those same children will be of the opinion that they are better and deserve more than their children.
Thankfully not everyone is being raised with this thought process. Personally, I was raised to love my siblings and never felt like they got more than I did. I started out as an only child until my mom married my step dad and gave me a baby sister four and half years later. We continued to add to our family with my two brothers and even though some extended family members tried to portray them as my ‘half sister and brothers’, I never let that title stick. They were my full siblings, and I loved them as such! We have each grown up as unique individuals that sometimes have different opinions and goals and yet our mom still strives to make sure we are treated fairly and given individual attention. I am looking forward to raising my daughter and son with the thought that they are equals, both having equal responsibilities and privileges as the other one. Each will be their own person, and I will strive to make sure both know how much I love them as individuals.
I know that Elizabeth’s father will try to condemn this thought process, and will try to make her feel the same way he did growing up. My stepfather tried to do this too, but I know that as long as I stay firm in my beliefs just as my mom did, my babies will grow up with the same values I hold, and not the opinion so many parents out there hold right now. My children will always be more important than myself!
One Response to “Parental Objectives – Who is more important, me or my child?”
November 13th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Brenna,
Very very well written. I am proud of you. Your mom is awesome and so are you!
Paula
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